


The Deepest Secret

by embrace_spn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Jealous Dean Winchester, M/M, Oblivious Castiel, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-06
Updated: 2014-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-15 17:45:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/529947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embrace_spn/pseuds/embrace_spn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now graduate students, Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak have been best friends since high school. Castiel is completely oblivious to the women who want to get with him, but Dean sees it all and it pisses him off. He wants Cas for himself, but it probably won't happen. Or will it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title was a line taken from the poem "I Carry Your Heart With Me" by E.E. Cummings. It can be found at poetryoutloud.org. Thank you to the people who beta'd for me.

“Are you sure that I can’t get anything for you?” The sweet, lightly accented voice cooed.

Dean Winchester turned from the window to look at the waitress. The gorgeous, curvy blonde was still leaning over the table, showing her exceptional cleavage. He thought that she already left to get his pie and coffee. But here she was; and if she leaned over anymore, she would be arrested for indecent exposure.

She wasn’t talking to him though. All of her attention was on his nerdy best friend, Castiel Novak.

Twirling hair around her finger, she was smiling and licking her full red lips. Yeah, this girl was definitely interested in the man sitting across from him.

Dean felt a twinge of jealousy with a shred of annoyance. Usually flirty waitresses weren’t so obnoxious, but this one didn’t even have the decency to acknowledge that he was right there. Dean wasn’t even interested in her, but the fact that she was flirting with Cas pissed him off.

Had it been anyone else, a fuck wouldn’t be given. But it was Cas, his reserved yet charismatic friend. His nerd of a best friend since they’d met during their sophomore year at Lawrence High.

Dean was the new kid in school. An outgoing football player who made new friends easily. He first saw Castiel in the campus courtyard with his brother and cousin, Gabriel and Anna. They were laughing at something that Gabriel had said.

The second time he saw Cas was at a track meet. Dean was there to support the school’s team. And was pleasantly surprised to see that Castiel was a runner. An amazing runner. That night was when Dean became intrigued by the blue-eyed teenager.

Later in the semester, Dean was having problems with Algebra. His teacher, Miss Rosen recommended Cas as a tutor. Over a matter of weeks, Dean found out that Castiel Novak was brilliant. He played the piano, painted, and even dabbled in theatre a few times. He was reserved and a bit cautious but he had a love for life that was refreshing.

There was no way Dean would have gotten through that class without Cas’s help. They’d been best friends ever since. They both received scholarships to the University of Kansas. His was for football and the two Cas received were for academics and track. As they got older, Dean developed feelings for Cas. Feelings that got stronger over time. He wanted his best friend in a way that he’d never wanted anyone else.

And after all those years, Dean still wanted him.

But couldn’t pursue him because he didn’t want to destroy their friendship. That and the fact that Cas was probably straight and not interested in men at all. The only dates that Dean ever saw Cas have were with girls.

He shifted his attention to Cas, wanting to see his friend’s reaction. Totally oblivious to the waitress’s intentions, Cas looked up from the notes he was re-writing from their English class that ended 20 minutes before and politely said, “Yes, I am sure. Thank you.” 

Dean suppressed a laugh at the stunned look on the blonde’s face. She looked as if she couldn’t believe that there was a man in this world who could resist her charms.

“And I’m still good with a cup of coffee and a slice of your best apple pie,” Dean interjected, reminding her that he was still there.

Taking one more glance in Cas’s direction, she pouted and let out an exasperated huff. “Okay, fine. I’ll be right back with your order.”

Blondie all but stomped her way back to the kitchen. Dean glared at her retreating back. Damn her and her voluptuous body, with her fucking face and…

“Dean. What is it? Is something wrong?”

The low, familiar voice interrupted his inner rant. Dean looked up. Cas was staring at him with a concerned look on his face.

“Cas…” Dean shook his head, pushing the little green-eyed monster aside, “you do realize that the waitress was flirting with you right?”

Cas tilted his head to the side, and damn if it wasn’t endearing, while a thoughtful expression took the place of his concerned one.

“Was she?”

Dean studied the friend he’s had for years. The man across from him was 25, one year older than he was, about five foot eleven and lean with pale skin, intelligent blue eyes, messy dark hair, pink lips that looked really soft, and a smile that made him melt.

Fuck, Cas was attractive.

Dean ran a hand over his face, sighing. His best friend was smart. Hell, Cas was a complete genius but he was totally clueless sometimes.

“Yeah, she was. Blondie was giving you a free show because she wanted to take you home for some extracurricular activities, if you know what I mean.”

“You mean sex?” Cas shot a glance towards the kitchen.

“Yes, Cas,” Dean said. His blood boiled at the mere thought of Cas being with someone else. “The attractive waitress wants to bang you.”

His friend’s blue eyes widened and he seemed to be lost in thought. One could almost hear the wheels turning in his head. Dean started to panic. He could feel the jealousy coming back in full force.

Was Cas really entertaining the idea of having sex with this girl? 

Just when Dean thought his head was going to explode, Cas wrinkled his nose then shook his head. “Nah, she’s not my type.”

Phew. Dean exhaled, relaxing instantly. He didn’t realize that he was holding his breath until then.

“Oh. What’s your type then?” he asked, genuinely curious.

Cas gazed out the window at the cars that were passing outside, pondering the question before he answered. A shy smile slowly spread across his face.

“Honestly, Dean, I have no idea what my type is,” Cas shifted his gaze back to him. “I guess I just know what I like when I see it.” He shrugged then went back to writing.

Dean nodded, raising his eyebrows. Now that he thought about it, he’d never seen Cas with just one type of girl in high school. He didn’t seem interested in pursuing serious relationships after that bitch, Meg Masters took advantage of him and stomped all over his heart, but Cas wasn’t one to whore around.

Before Dean could reply, the waitress came back. “Here you go,” she groused, “apple pie and coffee, black.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.” Dean moved his arms as she reached to set the plate down in front of him. She spared him a glance; then quickly turned her attention to Cas, who was still engrossed in his books. The blonde looked ready to proposition him again, but thought better of it.

“Enjoy your pie,” she said, making her way back to the kitchen. Dean almost laughed out loud at how mad she was. 

That’s right, Blondie, he thought while he dug into his pie. You’re not going to have this sexy, dark-haired man in your bed tonight.

*****

After saying goodbye at the diner, they went their separate ways. Dean was driving home to the apartment that he shared with his younger brother. Jealousy still buzzed through him. Every time he thought about waitresses hitting on Cas, he got pissed. Dean normally wasn’t a jealous person, but when women flirted with the man he wanted, that little green-eyed monster came to the surface.

Dean pulled into his parking space, got out of his ’67 Chevy Impala, locked it then went up the stairs into the small apartment.

“Sammy!” he yelled, flipping the lights on. “Are you home?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” Sam’s voice cut through the air. Muffled footsteps came from the hallway into the living room.

His brother was dressed in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, running a hand through his mussed hair.

“What’s up, Dean?” he asked.

Dean threw his keys on the table, took his jacket off and dropped heavily onto the couch. He exhaled loudly, suddenly exhausted. “Nothing much, man. Just got back from studying with Cas.”

Sam grabbed a beer and a soda from the fridge. He handed the beer to Dean then sat on the other end of the couch.

“I thought you had a date with Jessica tonight,” Dean said.

It was Tuesday. Sam usually took Jess out to dinner on Tuesdays. He watched his brother take a drink of his soda and stretch his legs under the coffee table.

“She’s got a real important test to study for,” he said, shrugging nonchalantly. “Anything interesting happened tonight?”

Dean tensed, thinking back to Blondie in the diner. “Besides another waitress hitting on Cas, nothing new.”

His brother gave him a pointed look then chuckled. “Man, again? Was she as hot as the others? How did he react to this one?”

Dean rolled his eyes at the younger Winchester. “Yeah, she was pretty hot and her boobs were close to falling out of her top. And as usual, Cas was not interested.”

Sam’s smile widened. “No surprise there. What did he do?”

Taking a drink of his beer, Dean sighed. “You know how Cas is, Sam. He was clueless, didn’t even realize that she basically wanted to fuck him.” He shook his head. “I’m telling you man. She was not his type at all.”

“Dean,” Sam looked at him suspiciously, “are you jealous?”

Anxiety flowed through his body. Sam knew he was bi, but his brother didn’t know how he felt about Cas. Or did he?

“Wh-What?!” Dean stammered. “Jealous? No.”

Sam started to laugh, almost choking on his soda. “Yes, you are. I can totally read you, man.”

His mind raced at a million miles per second. Oh fuck! Sam totally knew. How did he find out that I have a major thing for Cas? Did he say anything to Jess? To anybody?

Shit, shit, shit…

Okay, okay, calm down Dean. Just put your poker face on and deny everything, he said to himself.

Taking a deep breath, Dean pushed himself up from the couch. “Whatever. I’m going to bed.”

“Dude, you are so jealous of Cas and the attention he gets,” Sam said, coughing to clear his throat. “Don’t worry, bro. One day, girls and even some guys, will flock to you too.”

Just then, realization smacked Dean in the face. Sam thought that he was jealous of Cas. Not that he wanted to have Cas for himself. Waves of relief flowed through him. If Sam didn’t know, then Dean wasn’t ready to let him know just yet.

To hide his relief, Dean glared at the 20 year old. “Sam, if you don’t shut up, I’ll make you shut up.”

Sam started laughing again. “I’m sorry Dean, but your reactions are so priceless. I can’t help myself.”

“Fuck you too, Sammy.” Dean grumbled, keeping up the façade. He went to his room with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean squinted in the dim light. Something woke him up and it wasn’t his alarm clock. He was lying in bed…and he was naked.

Where the fuck did his boxers go?!

Someone was on top of him, trailing their long fingers over his body. Dean bit his lip to keep from moaning in pleasure. Shit, that felt good. He was already getting hard and this person was barely touching him. Judging by the hard length pressed against his hip it was safe to say that the individual was a guy, and he was definitely turned on.

Dean shifted his green gaze to the man who was straddling him. Dark hair, pale skin, blue eyes. Oh shit.

Castiel.

He dipped his head to brush his mouth over Dean’s collarbone before kissing a trail up his neck. This was it. Cas, his best friend, finally touching him. Nipping and sucking on sensitive spots on his neck. Dean felt hot breath ghost against his skin. A shiver travelled the length of his spine, his breath hitched in his throat. “Cas? Wha…oh…feels so good…” Dean gasped.

Burying his hands in thick dark hair, Dean pulled gently and was rewarded with a breathy moan. Cas pressed tender kisses up his jaw, stopping at the corner of his mouth. Lifting his head slightly, he hovered over Dean’s lips. Their faces so close that Dean could feel his friend’s unsteady breath across his mouth. He stared into ocean blue eyes that were darkened with lust. His chest tightening with desire, Dean ached to kiss those pink lips but couldn’t bring himself to move. It just was too perfect.

Finally, Cas leaned forward, brushing their lips together. Cas’s kiss was soft yet possessive, slow, and conscientious. Dean moaned as passionate heat flooded every part of his body. Cas’s tongue ran along his bottom lip, tracing the outline and nipping the plump flesh. He pressed their bodies closer, deepening the kiss. Dean parted his lips, allowing Cas to slip his tongue inside. Moaning into his mouth, Cas curled their tongues together. Warmth was pooling into Dean’s stomach. This was everything…everything he’d wanted for so long.

The stubble on Cas’s jaw scraped his skin, adding to the intensity. Dean untangled his fingers from Cas’s hair and ran his hands down his friend’s back. Toned muscles bunched under soft skin, rippling with movement. His hands drifted lower, skimming over the curve of Cas’s perfect ass. Cas hummed in approval. Dean squeezed gently, savoring the feel of smooth, supple skin under his palms.

Still locked in the kiss, Cas rutted against Dean. Achingly slow at first, then faster, harder until the heat between them was unbearable. Cas broke the kiss, gasping for air; he pressed his forehead against Dean’s, still rolling his hips. Dean was lost to dark blue eyes and breathy moans. “Oh God…Cas,” he breathed. “Fuck…”

“Dean, Dean…” Cas chanted, “I want you…please, Dean, please.” Cas’s voice was breathy and uneven. He sounded wrecked. It was easily the hottest thing Dean had ever heard.

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*

The shrill sound cut through the air. Dean woke with a start. Fumbling from under his covers, he slammed his hand over the stupid alarm clock to silence it.

Fucking hell, Dean thought. It was a dream. He threw the covers off and ran his hands over his face. A damn dream. It had felt so real. He could still feel Castiel’s body pressed against his own. He had heard the breathy moans in his ear, yet, here he was, alone in his room. Damn his imagination…

Dean looked down and sighed. His dick definitely thought that the dream was real too. He was rock hard and already leaking pre-come. Dean looked over at his clock. Wednesday morning, 10am. He had two hours until class started. Plenty of time to jerk off, shower, and get something to eat before he needed to be anywhere. 

He got out of bed and padded to the bathroom. Dean splashed water on his face and looked in the mirror. Bright green eyes gazed back at him, his mussed hair stuck up in all directions. And all he could think of was his reserved, nerdy, bastard, sexy, genius of a best friend that he had class with this afternoon…

This was going to be a long day.

*****

“Hey, what did you think about that…Dean? Dean!” Cas waved to get his attention, bringing him out of his daydream. Dean blinked then turned to face his friend. They were sitting in their usual seats in the last row of their Gothic Literature class.

“Huh?” Dean stammered, “did you say something?” Clearing his throat, Dean turned to give Cas his full attention, well, the real Cas. He had just been fantasizing about Cas writhing beneath him. Dean’s hands exploring his friend’s lean body, tracing the curves and muscle as Cas shifted underneath him. Their skin, hot and slicked with sweat as they moved together, Dean’s swollen cock buried deep in Cas’s –

Dean coughed. His jeans were starting to get uncomfortably tight. He really needed to stop this.

“Are you okay?” Cas asked.

Dean nodded. “Yeah I’m good. What were you asking?” Snap out of it Winchester, he scolded himself. Focus.

“I was asking what you thought about the lore on vampires that we had to read.” Cas said.

Shit. Dean hadn’t re-read the stories last night or this morning before class, but he did remember a few things. “Well, I think it’s pretty awesome that you have to chop their heads off in order to kill ‘em.”

Cas squinted and shook his head. “I figured that part might interest you.” A smile played at the corners of his mouth. He chuckled. “Dare I ask, do you remember anything else?”

Dean pursed his lips and shrugged. “Well, besides the fact that they don’t burn up in sunlight and garlic has no affect on them, I don’t recall much.” He laughed, “I guess vampires aren’t what we thought they were.”

“You, my friend, are correct,” Cas retorted with a smile that made Dean’s stomach flutter. 

They both turned back to their books just as their professor, Mark Crowley, strode into the room. An intelligent English man of 40, the professor was amazing and had a talent for explaining things. He preferred to be called Crowley and was the definition of calm and collected…except when the occasional jackass tried to disrespect him.

Crowley set his briefcase down on the wooden desk with a soft thump. His smooth, accented voice echoed through the room, “Good morning everyone, let’s talk vampires.”

Dean rubbed his forehead. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep his mind on vamps. Not today. He sighed. “Can’t we just talk about hot angels with blue eyes and dark hair?” he muttered.

*****

After class, Cas had to rush back to his apartment to pack. He had an out of state track meet and would be gone until Monday. Dean wished his friend good luck then decided to pay a visit to The Roadhouse for a cheeseburger and some pie. He was starving and didn’t feel like spending the rest of the day alone in the apartment while Sam was out with Jess.

The Roadhouse was like a second home to him. Dean loved the place. It was cozy and relaxing and it didn’t hurt that Bobby’s wife, Ellen, made the best pie in the world. It was about time Bobby got re-married after his first wife, Karen, got killed in a car accident. Now, he had an awesome wife along with a cool step-daughter, Ellen and Jo were exactly what his old friend needed.

Walking through the doors, Dean inhaled deeply. The delicious smell of burgers and fries made his mouth water. Music, laughter, and the sound of silverware hitting plates resonated through the building.

“Hey stranger!” A familiar voice called. “Long time no see.” Dean glanced in the direction the voice came from. Jo walked over and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Hey you,” Dean said, embracing her. “How you been?” She took a step back to look up at him. Her sparkling brown gaze met his green one. Jo was about five foot five, her head barely reaching his shoulders. She had long dark blonde hair, a pretty face, and a kick ass personality – she may be small, but she didn’t take bullshit from anyone.

“I’ve been around,” she answered, leading him to the bar area. “You know, how it is. School, here, home. Not much time for anything else.” Dean sat on a stool as Jo walked around to the other side of the bar. She gave him a thoughtful look. “So, let me guess – a bacon cheeseburger with extra onions and bacon with fries, then apple pie to finish off?”

Dean grinned broadly. “Jo, you know me so well.”

She set a beer down in front of him and smiled. “Well I ought to…same thing every time you order.”

Jo brought him his food and they spent time catching up while he ate. Apparently, Bobby and Ellen were out of town on their second honeymoon. According to Jo, the two were inseparable. Dean told her about Sam and Cas (leaving out the part about being in love with his best friend, of course).

He found out that she was dating some guy named Ash. From what Dean gathered, Jo was happy and that was good enough for him. Jo was like a sister, and if anyone fucked with her, the asshole would have both him and Sam to answer to.

Dean stayed until closing time. He helped Jo clean and lock up then walked her to her car. “See you later,” he said, pulling her close for another hug. “And be careful.”

“Yeah, I will,” Jo mumbled, wrapping her arms around him. “You be careful too. Take care of yourself, Dean.”

Stepping out of her arms, he walked to the Impala. Dean opened the door, got in and shot a glance back to her. “Call me when you get home, alright?”

Jo smirked and with a mock salute said, “Yes, sir.” She started her car and drove off.

He shook his head and chuckled. Smart ass, Dean thought. He turned the key in the ignition and left the empty parking lot.

*****

“Dean Winchester.”

Dean was about to take a sip of his coffee when he was interrupted. That voice. That melodic, drawling, venomous voice could only belong to one person. A person he really didn’t feel like dealing with. Inhaling slowly, Dean looked up from the magazine he had been reading.

Meg “the Bitch” Masters. Shit.

Of all people, why would he have run into Cas’s ex right now? The brunette was petite, cute, and a malicious slut. She was conniving and never had a kind word for anyone unless she could get something in return. This couldn’t be good.

“Meg Masters,” Dean replied with a scowl. The last thing he wanted to do was see her face. He’d never liked her and always knew the kind of girl she was, but after she hurt Cas (more than his friend would ever admit) Dean hated her.

Meg smirked and slid into the booth across from him. She raked him with danger flashing in her brown eyes. Dean resisted the urge to sneer at her, he was tempted to tell her fuck off but wanted to know why she was here. “You’re looking good,” she mused.

“Wish I could say the same for you.” Dean was agitated by her presence. Meg was Castiel’s first serious relationship, he had waited on her hand and foot while she did nothing but humiliate him. She let Cas find her cheating with the star quarterback, and worse, Meg wasn’t sorry; she sat and laughed at him...

“Come now,” Meg cooed, “don’t be like that. Are you still sore over what happened between me and Castiel?”

Dean leveled his gaze at her and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t know. Are you still a heartless she-demon who cares about no one but herself?”

“Holding a grudge won’t change the past, Dean.” Meg reached over to dip her finger in the whipped cream on his pie.

“You touch my pie; I stab you with my fork.” She pulled back instantly, giving him a nervous smile. “What do you want, Meg? I thought you were living in New York.”

“I do live in New York. Just home visiting for a bit,” the brunette rested her chin on her hand. “Actually, I was hoping to run into Castiel.”

Dean’s eyes widened. “What do you want with Cas?” Stunned that she would even think about Cas after her public display with Uriel, Dean had hoped that he’d never have to see the bitch again but here she was. Meg actually had the balls to be all up in his face; and although he really wanted to right now, Dean Winchester didn’t hit girls.

“Just hoping to talk to him.”

“Sure you are,” Dean drawled. He knew Meg better than that. She was one of those people who only knew you when she wanted something.

“So, is he around?” Meg scanned the restaurant, pausing to wink at some random guy who was sitting at the bar. Dean shook his head. Some things just never change, he thought. Back in high school, Meg shamelessly threw herself at every available guy in their class.

“No. He’s out of town.”

If Dean didn’t know any better, he would say that there was disappointment in Meg’s eyes. Meg Masters disappointed? That was funny, but he was tired of talking to her. “Anything else? I have better things to do.”

Meg glared at him with fire in her eyes. “Kiss my ass, Winchester,” she snapped, getting up to leave.

“Not on your life, sweetheart.” Dean grinned, satisfied with that fact that he’d gotten under her skin. “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Narrowing her eyes, Meg turned to him with a mischievous smile. “I’ll see you sooner than you think, hon.” And with that, she turned on her heels and left.

Dean arched a brow. What the hell was that supposed to mean? He really wished that he’d decided to stay home and watch porn today instead of going out for a cup of coffee and pie.


	3. Chapter 3

It was Sunday.

Dean sat at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms. The past three days had gone by slowly and that little run-in with Meg earlier in the week took a toll on him. He couldn’t stop thinking about why she would want to get in touch with Cas after all this time. It couldn’t be anything good. He’d spent most of his time moping around the apartment, only leaving to go to class and grab a bite at The Roadhouse whilst checking on Jo. On top of the whole Meg situation, he missed Cas. They always went out for breakfast with Sam on Sunday, it was their tradition, and it wouldn’t be the same.

Dean was lost in thought when Sam came out to the kitchen to pour himself some of his usual Kashi brand. “Dude,” his younger brother sighed, “what’s the deal?”

He looked up from his breakfast, scowling. “What are you talking about?”

Sam narrowed his eyes at him. “You know what I’m talking about Dean. You’ve been acting like a pissed bear since Wednesday, stomping around, grunting instead of giving actual human responses. Plus we’re staying here eating cereal instead of enjoying a stack of pancakes with eggs at the Roadhouse. What’s going on man?”

“I’ve just been in a bad mood,” Dean answered. He left out the part about missing Cas, so what? He was still telling the truth right? “That’s all.”

“Dean, you’re my brother. I’ve seen you in a bad mood plenty of times, this is something else. What’s on your mind?” Sam crossed his arms. “Look, just talk to me, you know I won’t quit asking.”

Pushing his empty bowl aside, Dean leaned back in his chair eyeing Sam. “I’m fine, Sam. Shut up about it already.”

Sam sighed and glared at his older brother, “Dean,” his voice low with frustration, “stop being an ass.”

Dean studied his brother. His brow was furrowed and his jaw set stubbornly. Sam knew that he was missing something. The 20 year old was going to pick at the issue until he either put two and two together or until Dean broke and told him the whole truth.

“With Cas out of town and you busy with Jess and studying…I’m just bored, Sammy,” Dean said. “And it doesn’t help that I ran into Meg on Thursday.”

Sam’s expression went from exasperated to confused, “Come again? Meg who? Please tell me this is a Meg that I don’t know.”

Dean snorted. “Oh, you know this Meg. The same Meg you wanted to perform an exorcism on back in high school. The one that Cas was dumb enough to fall for.”

Sam scowled. “Shit. What did she want?” Sam hadn’t liked Meg; his brother had always been intuitive and picked up on her nasty disposition after just one quick meeting.

Dean was relieved to get the focus off of him and on to a more pressing issue. “She said she wanted to talk to him,” he shrugged. “That’s about all I got, along with a promise that I’ll be seeing more of her.”

“Why do you always have to attract trouble?” Sam asked, returning to the gigantic bowl of health flakes he’d just poured. “Can’t you be normal, Dean?”

Dean pulled a face and got up from the table, dropping his bowl into the sink. “Sue me for living Sammy. Fuck normal, it’s boring anyway. ”

They fell into a tension filled silence as Dean finished cleaning up. He moved to the couch, deciding to throw himself face-down on the soft, worn cushions while Sam continued to eat.

“So, what’re you gonna do?” Apparently, the need to delve deeper into the situation was felt by his younger brother. Good ‘ole Sammy.

“I dunno Sammy, it’s not really my problem.” Dean sighed into the cushions, not really meaning it; he was just sick of thinking about it over and over in his head. “The only option here is to tell Cas…before he runs into her.”

Sam scoffed, “Sure, not your problem…” he muttered to himself, Dean barely hearing him, “but I can’t argue with you. He does need to know.”

Sam’s voice sounded closer and had lost the edge that it had only a few minutes ago. Sam was probably stretched out in the comfy old recliner that Bobby gave them when they moved into the apartment. “Cas is supposed to be back tomorrow right?”

“Yeah…doubt I’ll see him until Wednesday though,” Dean muttered. “We’ll see what shit this week holds.” He knew from experience that Cas didn’t show up to class right after a meet out of town. He usually took an extra day off to recover, it’d been that way since high school. Honestly, the guy was such a genius that he could take a whole week off and still be ahead of half the class. Cas’s ability to retain information and remember details was amazing. He was such a nerd, a little awkward and unaware, but somehow still had the awesome personality and unearthliness that made him so damn attractive. That and his deep voice, expressive blue eyes partnered with dark ruffled bed hair and a runner’s toned, lean body –

Dean stopped himself before he slipped into a fantasy about things he wanted to do with and to Cas, he definitely wasn’t willing to explain a boner to his younger brother.

“Man, I would say that everything is going to be fine but I have one of those feelings,” Sam said, drawing Dean out of his thoughts and back to reality. His voice sounded further away this time, like he was on his way to his room.

“Way to make me feel better, Sammy,” Dean grumbled into the cushion. As much as he didn’t want to make too much of a fuss over the situation he knew Sam was right. Dean had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and he knew better than to ignore it; both he and Sam had learned to follow their instincts a long time ago.

“I’m just saying,” Dean could practically hear his brother shrug as he disappeared down the hall. “Anyway, since you’re not up to doing anything, I guess I’ll go hang out with Jess.”

“Good idea,” Dean replied, genuinely meaning it. Sam didn’t need to be dragged down into a bad mood just because he was pissed. When he heard Sam walking to the front door, he lifted his head off the couch.

“Tell Jess I said hey.”

Sam nodded and smiled. With a slight wave and a ‘see you later’, he was out the door and on his way.

Dean looked around the small living room, wondering how to pass the time. Sam would be gone for a few hours; he had no reading to catch up on…

A small smile spread across his lips. “Daydreaming about Cas and a hot shower it is.”

****

When Dean walked into class on Wednesday afternoon, he wasn’t surprised to see Cas sitting in his usual seat, absorbed in a book and wearing headphones, probably listening to Beethoven or one of those other classical composers that he tried to get Dean to appreciate. Dean’s heart leapt at the sight before he mentally scolded himself for being so pathetic. Damn, it kind of scared him to know how much he missed the guy…the last person he felt this way about was his long time ex, Cassie (well if that wasn’t irony, he didn’t know what was).

Cas must have sensed him moving closer because he looked up just as Dean shrugged his backpack off to sit down. Smiling one of his rare full-blown genuine smiles, Cas took his headphones off.

“Hello Dean.” Cas greeted him, his eyes bright and sparkling, making Dean breathless. He had no idea what it was about Cas that made him unravel at the seams. What am I, a hormone-ridden teenage girl?

“Hey Cas,” Dean said, desperately hoping that his voice sounded normal. “How’d the meet go? You clearly had no time for the little people while you were off being a track and field superstar.” Grinning broadly, Dean gave Cas a playful shove. From experience, Dean knew that Cas wouldn’t have time to text or call when he was out of town. It was just fun to rag on him about it. Teasing Cas was one of Dean’s favorite pastimes, aside from fixing cars, of course.

“It went pretty well…great, actually.” Cas smiled, ignoring Dean’s taunting and closed his book. As his friend turned to face him, Dean noticed that something seemed a bit different. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he saw something in Cas’s eyes. It was definitely something good, Cas must have improved on his best time or broken a record.

“Oh, you didn’t fall on your ass this time?” Dean quipped, reminding them both of the embarrassing but entertaining, in his opinion, incident two years earlier. He cast a sideways glance to his friend with a smirk.

“Quite on the contrary,” Cas laughed, a whole-hearted pure sound that made Dean’s stomach flip. “I got first place in the 400m.”

Dean smiled. “Figures.The other guys probably didn’t have a chance.” Cas gave him a shy smile then turned to check his vibrating cell phone. Dean swore he saw a little color rise in Cas’s cheeks. Did I just make Cas blush? He stole a glance while Cas was busy texting. A hint of pink still stained his cheek. Yeah, he was blushing.

“Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?” Cas returned his full attention to Dean.

Well, here we go, Dean thought. He was hoping to get past this day without saying anything about Meg. He could always lie and say nothing happened, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that. “You’re the only person besides Gabe that I’d trust with everything.” The words came to mind, the ones Cas said to him after that night. He’d watched Cas storm off, heartbroken and humiliated, and had followed. Dean found him sitting in his old black and electric blue ‘69 Camaro, just sitting, blank faced and staring down at his own hands. Dean got in the passenger seat and they’d sat like that for hours until Cas was ready to talk. Their friendship grew that night and if there was one he had to thank Meg for, it would be that.

Exhaling, Dean just told Cas the truth, careful not to make a federal case out of it. “Nothing really, but I did run into Meg last week.”

“You did?” Cas’s voice sounded ridiculously calm for a guy who just found out that his vicious ex-girlfriend was in town.

Dean twisted in his seat, gawking at Cas because he’s sure that his best friend either went crazy or didn’t hear him correctly. “Uh, Cas. You heard what I said right?”

The other man gazed back at him, completely calm. “Yes, Dean. I heard you.”

“And-and you’re fine with that?”

“Of course I’m fine with it,” Cas said matter of factly. “I knew she would be here.”

That little piece of info absolutely floored Dean. His emerald eyes widened in disbelief. “What?!” He all but yelled, remembering at the last minute they were in class; one that was filling quickly. “Cas, how the hell did you know she would be back in town?”

“She found me on Facebook, we talked a little bit. She mentioned that she would be visiting and gave me her number,” Cas answered with a shrug. He was being way too nonchalant for Dean’s liking.

The more Dean found out, the more his head hurt. “You responded to her friend request? And you really talked to her? Seriously?”

“Is it that hard to believe, Dean?” Cas was obviously bewildered at Dean’s close-to-frantic questions.

Dean opened his mouth in reply, but promptly shut it when he saw Crowley stride into the room and close the door. “Good morning all,” the professor sounded more cheery than his normal light, easy-going acknowledgement. He must have got some last night, Dean thought bitterly. While the professor set his briefcase down and got settled, Dean turned straight back to Cas. He had questions and he wanted answers.

“Talk.”

“Not now Dean. I’ll tell you anything you want to know after class,” Cas retorted. His already deep voice had acquired that serious tone he only used when he was getting focused to run or pay attention in class.

If Dean didn’t know better he would say ‘fuck that’ and continue to ask a million questions, but he knew how Cas got when he was in his zone. Once, he made the mistake of crashing into that zone when he snatched a book out of his best friend’s hands while he was cramming for a test. Dean expected Cas to bitch and moan about wanting the book back, what he didn’t expect was Cas to catch up to him and tackle him to the floor. The guy may be a bit smaller than Dean, but he was strong as hell. After that day, Dean never bothered Cas again while he was concentrating.

“Fine, you better.” Dean huffed, slouching in his seat, crossing his arms around his chest, still stumped but quiet.


	4. Chapter 4

“This has got to be the longest hour and thirty minutes of my life,” Dean grumbled, slumping in his seat.

Usually time flew by during Crowley’s lectures, but not today. Glancing at his watch every few minutes wasn’t helping either. Dean couldn’t focus, he tried listening to the professor speaking in his usual exuberant manner but the words weren’t registering. All he could think about were the many unanswered questions that he would bombard Cas with as soon as he could.

After what seemed like an eternity, Crowley finally concluded his lecture and let them go. “See you all on Friday,” he announced. “Don’t forget to read the lore on shape-shifters next. Personally, I think they are disgusting creatures but I’d like to hear your opinions.”

While other students put their things away and filed out of the classroom calmly like normal people, Dean stuffed his books into his bag then practically shoved his way out of the room. Some of his peers stared at him like he’d grown another head, others looked amused. Cas, on the other hand, was trying to suppress his laughter. Glaring at his friend from the hallway, Dean folded his arms across his chest, attempting to be patient while the other man gathered his things. When Cas finally stepped out of the room, he mimicked Dean’s agitated stance.

“Ready to go now?” Cas asked with his best shit-eating grin.

Dean rolled his eyes at the obvious teasing, it was good humored and something they did regularly, but he wasn’t in the mood. 

“Shut up, Novak. You’ve got some ‘splaining to do. Come on.” Dean stalked away; trying to ignore Cas’s amused snort behind him.

****

The ride to the nearby diner seemed longer than usual. He glanced over at Cas, expecting him to have be going over his notes or looking out at the passing buildings, but instead he was fidgeting with his phone; reading something that made his cheek flush red. 

Dean’s anxiety bubbled over. He’d planned on waiting until they were at the diner to talk, but fuck that! The words tumbled out as an angry, jumbled mess before he could stop them.

“What the hell Cas! Why are you even talking to her? What is going on with you? You should have just told her to fuck off! Why didn’t you? Have you forgotten what she did? What the fuck are you thinking?!” Dean ground his teeth together as he pulled into a parking space, his knuckles white from clutching the steering wheel so tight. 

Cas flinched slightly at the sudden outpour of questions. Dean swore that he saw a hint of annoyance (but mostly remorse) in his friend’s eyes but it faded quickly. “Meg and I are just friends, Dean,” Cas deadpanned.

Dean rolled his eyes a second time, cutting the engine and getting out of the car. “Thank you, Captain Obvious. Come on, I have a feeling that I need to sit down for this.” 

Dean stormed into the diner and wasted no time finding a table. Cas strolled in behind him, hands in the pockets of that old tan trench coat he always wore.

Cas settled back into the seat, picking at a loose thread on his sleeve. Dean drummed his fingers on the table, still upset and running out of patience. He was about to repeat his questions when a waitress flounced to their table with menus in hand.

“Hey guys, my name’s Pamela. I’ll be serving you today. You wanna start off with something to drink?”

This waitress had dark hair and friendly eyes. Her voice smooth and welcoming but Dean was too agitated to flirt like usual.

“A beer for me, please,” he answered. Pamela wrote his order on her notepad then turned expectantly to Cas.

“And for you, hon?”

Cas gave her a small smile, “Just a glass of water for me”.

“Okay, fellas. I’ll be right back and ready to take your orders,” she said, winking at them as she left to retrieve their drinks. Dean scowled. Pamela seemed nice enough but he didn’t feel like being pleasant at the moment. She hadn’t hit on Cas yet, that gave her extra points.

“So,” Cas’s voice was so low, Dean almost didn’t hear him. “You should probably ask your questions before your head explodes.” Dean glared across the table to find Cas staring at him. He had started to aimlessly fiddle with the silverware on the table and was the definition of nervous.

If the circumstances were different, Dean wouldn’t hesitate in trying to comfort his friend but Cas should be nervous. He knew how Dean felt about Meg.

“Okay, wise ass, when did you two have your little reunion?” Dean demanded, trying to keep his voice level.

“The night I’d left for the meet. I was in my room, decided to check my Facebook and there her request was.” Cas answered quickly in the same low tone. If there was one thing Cas was good at, it was being concise.

“Why’d you even –“Dean stopped short in his next question because Pamela had just returned to their table.

“Here you go,” she said. “Are you two ready to order?”

Cas was first to answer, “Um, yes, I’d like a cheeseburger with fries.”

“Got it,” she smiled, scribbling on her pad. “What can I get for you sweetie?”

Dean gave her a tight lipped smile. She didn’t know what was going on, the least he could do was try to be civil towards her. “A bacon cheeseburger, extra bacon and fries, please.”

She wrote the last of the order down, saying, “Alright , I’ll get those out for you ASAP.”

The second she was gone, Dean studied his friend. Cas was gazing out of the window, appearing to be lost in the millions of deep thoughts that always seemed to be going through his stupid, attractive head. He constantly exuded a sense of serenity, even now. Dean found that mesmerizing but he was still anxious.

“Yeah, didn’t catch that,” he groused, disturbing Cas’s thoughts. “Why’d you answer Meg’s friend request again?”

Cas glanced at him, shrugging. “I was curious, Dean. It’s been years since we spoke, I wondered why she wanted to speak to me now.”

When Dean gestured for him to go on, Cas continued. “We got to talking for a while…you know, reminiscing on the good times…then she gave me her number. I told her that she wouldn’t hear from me for a few days because of the meet. She had no problem and said I could call her anytime.”

“And it’s safe to assume you eventually called her,” Dean grunted, taking a swig of his beer.

Cas nodded. “When I got a break, we started to text back and forth. She mentioned that she’d be in town around the time I’d get back.”

“Have you seen her since you got back?” Dean tried but failed to squelch a pang of jealousy.

“No, we’ve only spoken on the phone. But I do plan to meet her this weekend for lunch.” Cas sipped his water, aware of the tension building between them.

“Really Cas?!” Dean bit out, struggling to keep his voice low. “After what she did, you’re just going to up and accept her back into your life? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Will you calm down?” There was a note of defensiveness in Cas’s voice. “It’s not like we’re getting married or anything. We’re just talking, Dean. Who knows if anything will come of it?”

Dean opened his mouth to respond when their waitress arrived with their food. “If you need anything else, I’ll be over at the bar.” She set the plates down in front of them then left to help another customer.

“Cas, I know I can’t tell you how to live your life and who your friends should be. I won’t even try, but I’m getting a bad vibe from this whole thing.” Dean decided that flipping his shit wouldn’t make the situation better; he’ll try to be calm about it.

“I understand your concern Dean because I was wary about it too,” Cas said, squirting a generous amount of ketchup on his burger, “but people change. Meg may have changed, so I’m going to give her a chance.”

Sighing, Dean surrendered. He knew that once Cas set his mind on something, there was no changing it. 

“Okay, Cas. I respect your decision. I don’t like it, but I’m here for you.”

Cas smiled, soft and genuine. He glanced up at Dean through his dark lashes. “Thank you, Dean.”

The tension that hung between them had lessened considerably but the feeling of dread still clung to Dean. He knew something bad was going to happen, sooner rather than later, but he’d rather have nothing happen at all.  
****


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Meg finally meet in person for lunch after six years of no contact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title was a line taken from the poem "I Carry Your Heart With Me" by E.E. Cummings. It can be found here. Thank you to the people who beta'd for me. None of these characters belong to me. This work is for fun and showing my love, appreciation, and obsession with Supernatural.
> 
> I am sorry that it took me so long to update this work. It's been a busy year, but I am happy to finally update. I might be able to give another chapter during the next few months, but I can't make any promises. I hope that you guys enjoy it.

Castiel glanced around The Roadhouse, it was 12:30pm and anxiety was getting the better of him. Meg was supposed to meet him here fifteen minutes ago. Maybe his first thoughts were right. Maybe Dean was right. What if Meg hadn’t changed at all? Old habits do die hard.

He took a sip of his water and took another look at his watch. If she doesn’t get here in the next ten minutes, I’ll leave.

“Hey Castiel, are you sure you’re not going to order something until your friend gets here?”

Castiel lifted his head to see Jo’s friendly face. She was smiling, but he could detect a hint of concern in her brown eyes. He met Jo a few years ago when he and Dean were still undergrads. He’d thought she was attractive, hilarious, and interesting. They clicked instantly and had been good friends ever since.

“I can wait for a few more minutes, Jo,” he answered, returning her smile. “If she doesn’t get here soon, I’ll just leave.”

“Or,” Jo quipped, “you could come sit at the bar and keep me company while you eat.” She wrinkled her nose in such an adorable way that Castiel couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I think I might just take you up on that offer,” he replied. “I am getting pretty hungry.”

“I figured you might be,” Jo giggled. “Just don’t starve yourself for the sake of being polite. Dean will never forgive me if he knew that I let you go hungry on my watch.”

Castiel widened his eyes, feigning worry. “We definitely can’t let that happen.”

Jo’s giggle turned into full blown laughter. “Just let me know when you’re ready, okay?”

Castiel nodded. “Thanks, Jo.” Their gazes met again and he was reminded why he’d liked her so much. She always had their best interests at heart, whether it was his, Sam’s or Dean’s. It was no wonder that the brothers would do anything for her and her mother.

Jo smiled again, squeezed his shoulder then made her way back to the bar to serve other customers.

Castiel looked at the time again. 12:40. He took a deep breath and moved to slide out of the booth he was sitting in. He was craving a cheeseburger and Meg probably changed her mind, so he was going to neglect his hunger any more than he already had.

“Hey there, Clarence. Sorry I’m late, got caught in traffic.”

Castiel started at the nickname. Meg had called him Clarence since the first time they met. It was a reference to some movie that he’d never seen and he still didn’t get it, but the name grew on him.

He raised his head to see her stride his way. She slid into the booth across from him, her same old smirk in place.

“Hello Meg. It’s good to see you again,” Castiel responded, a small smile spreading across his lips.

“My, look how you’ve grown,” Meg mused, her brown eyes glittering. “You look even better than I remember.”

Castiel studied his ex-girlfriend. Her eyes were expressive and bright; her hair was still thick, framing her face in a flattering way, waves flowing well past her shoulders. She was still in good shape, judging from the quick glance he’d gotten of her before she sat down. The purple top she wore accentuated her light skin. As much as he hated to admit it, Meg was still as gorgeous as ever.

“Thank you,” he said, tilting his head. “You look like you’ve been doing well.”

Meg smiled, biting her bottom lip. “So, have you eaten yet?”

Castiel grinned. “No, I was being polite and waiting for you.”

“Well, that was sweet of you,” she said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “And they say that chivalry is dead.”

Silence fell between them while he fiddled with his watch band. This was awkward. Castiel felt a little weird having lunch with the woman who’d broken his heart back in high school. There was a lot of tension between them, and he knew that they needed to resolve any issues before they could get anywhere near normal.

“Well, I see that your friend got here. Are you two ready to order?” Jo’s voice filled the space around him.

Thank God.

“Um – yes. I’m ready,” Castiel stammered. He looked at Meg, watching as she scanned the menu. “Do you know what you’d like?”

“Hmmm, I’ll have the Caesar salad and a glass of iced tea,” the brunette drawled. “Extra lemon wedges on the side, hon. If it’s not too much trouble that is,” she winked at Jo, handing her the menu.

An expression that screamed ‘is-this-girl-for-real’ flitted across Jo’s face, but it was gone just as quickly as it came. She wrote the order down, then turned to Castiel saying, “Cheeseburger, extra fries, and a beer, right?”

“Right,” he affirmed, an easy smile falling into place. Leave it to Jo to make him feel better.

“You got it. I’ll be right back with your drinks,” Jo left to put their orders in, signaling to another table that she’d be with them soon.

“You two seem chummy,” Meg’s voice sounded curt. He focused his attention on her, and if looks could kill he’d be dead or severely wounded at least.

“Does someone have a little blonde fuck buddy now?”

Castiel could hear the venom dripping from her words. He narrowed his eyes, feeling his temper start to flare. There was no way that he was going to let Meg talk about his friend in that way.

“Actually, no. She’s just a good friend that Dean introduced me to a few years back,” Castiel retorted, his voice dropping to a dangerous tone.

“And I don’t appreciate you talking about my friends in that manner, especially if you don’t know them.”

“Oh, touchy aren’t we?” Meg teased, resting her chin on her upturned palm.

Castiel chose to ignore her. And thankfully, that’s when Jo returned to their table.

“Here you go. Iced tea with extra lemon and a beer,” she set the glass and bottle down in front of them. “Your food will be ready in about five minutes.”

“Thanks Jo.” Castiel muttered, taking a sip of his beer to calm his nerves.

“No problem,” she said, moving to her other table.

“So, did Dean tell you about our little chat last week?” Meg asked as she squeezed some lemon into her glass.

“He did,” Castiel nodded. “He wasn’t really happy about it.”

“Oh, whatever. I wasn’t thrilled to talk to him either. But I must admit that he’s gotten hotter over the years.”

Rolling his eyes, Castiel snorted. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we met to talk about Dean.”

Even though he would gladly talk about his best friend on any other given day, Castiel couldn’t help but feel a strange twinge of jealousy at Meg’s observation. Of course, he’d noticed Dean’s increased attractiveness – it was kind of hard not to, with all of the attention that he gets from women.

Castiel was also attracted to Dean in ways that he doubted were reciprocated. Every time he saw his friend, it felt like millions of butterflies decided to make his stomach their permanent residence. Sometimes, Castiel caught himself staring at Dean’s mouth, but he didn’t think that the other man ever noticed. What could he say? It was difficult to focus on most things when all he could imagine was kissing those full, pouty lips. He already wished that he had just stayed home or met Dean at their usual spot at the diner.

The sound of Meg clearing her throat dragged Castiel out of his head and into the current situation he was in. This lunch meeting (it wasn’t a date) was not going the way he thought it would. It seemed as if Meg hadn’t grown up at all. Maybe she was just too set in her habits to change. She had always been flirtatious and he had no problem with that, but it had gotten in the way of their relationship and crossed the line into obnoxious.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. We did come to talk about us.” Meg conceded. She reached across the table and took his hand in both of hers. “I’ve missed you Castiel. I’ve missed us.”

Before she could continue, Jo came back with their food. She set it on the table with a quick ‘enjoy’ and rushed off to help at the bar.

“You didn’t seem to miss ‘us’ when you were with Uriel that night,” Castiel deadpanned, pulling free from her grip.

Meg sighed, unfolding her silverware from the napkin to take a bite of her salad. Castiel waited for her to finish. He took a huge bite out of his burger, savoring the taste of it. Ellen’s burgers were the best, in fact, everything she made was delicious.

“I was young and stupid back then,” Meg confessed. “I shouldn’t have cheated on you, I took you for granted. You did so much for me then, and I treated you like shit. I’m sorry.”

Castiel exhaled. “Meg. Where are you going with this? How come you’ve waited six years to apologize?”

She shrugged. “You know me, Castiel. It took me a while to grow up and realize what I had.”

“Six years is a damn long time,” he replied. Even though Castiel left most of his past behind him, he still feared rejection and unfaithfulness because of what Meg had done to him. She was his first love and it always stung whenever something or someone triggered those memories.

Meg dropped her fork and leaned back in her seat, looking somewhat remorseful. “What do you want from me, Castiel? I can’t go back and change what I did. Can you forgive me? Can we start over?”

Castiel folded his arms on the tabletop, looking into Meg’s eyes. He was usually good at telling when people were sincere and when they were talking out of their ass, but with Meg, he couldn’t tell. There was something veiled in her brown eyes, and he just couldn’t decipher it.

He narrowed his gaze. “Start over how exactly? I’m not jumping back into a relationship with you. I don’t fully trust you.”

“And I’m not asking you to right now,” she answered, leaning toward him. “All I’m asking for is your friendship.”

Castiel tilted his head slightly, intrigued. “That’s all you want; my friendship? Nothing more?”

Meg nodded, the movement made her hair shimmer in the sunlight that streamed through the blinds. “Nothing more, nothing less. Come on, Clarence,” she smiled, “what harm can it do?”

Actually, the idea didn’t seem that far-fetched, Castiel thought to himself. We’re both adults and we should be able to manage being friends. Who said that anything had to come of it besides them mending some walls and maybe developing a meaningful friendship?

He gave Meg a side-ways glance, she was patiently waiting for an answer. “You’re right,” he sighed. “Not much harm could come from being friends.”

Meg grinned, her face lit up with what looked like hope. “Good. Now, let’s finish out food and get out of here, Clarence.”


End file.
